I certainly deserve better

Most of the times, lawyers are full of shit... you know why?

1. The most unwanted surprise happenned in 2009 is... I failed the Bar! Damn... I don't know what to say about this. It's almost impossible... I was so sure I could get flying mark... but the fact is... I FAILED. I don't know what has hapenned with my anwering sheet or how they asessed it... this is the first shit.
2. The annual evaluation reports have been spreaded, and mine is full of flowers and compliments noting that I have been very helpful and laudable at some projects.... BUT... the pay back is just 'average'. Where all the money goes? To the expatriate lawyers and the partners of course... this is just another 'shit'.
3. Unefficient working layers and primordialism at work... those are some of the working culture in law firms, oftenly found in many ancient firms.

3 years of working in different firms really make me realize the characteristic of the business and the ethics... and I would say... this is not the best way to earn money. So I started looking around...

I have conveyed my interest to an oil company, and still looking for another. I also got inspiration for further degree in CSR-environmental related study so then I can slightly move my direction to NGOs... cool... I'm always excited for a non-artificial job. We'll see what 2010 will bring... and I hope God knows what I want, but for the time being this is the only way I can continue my life. I can wait for the next train to come, even though with a bit reluctance but I'll try.

Save all the good things for the right time.

Keep the faith,

Surprising 2009

2009 goes out with bitter and sweetness, many things happened so sudden in a way one couldn’t ever prepare for them. I made plans but God has made my destiny.

This November I suddenly made my choice for a life time, to get married with a person I met months ago but I feel so sure about it. She’s very different from the other shes I met in the past, and things between me and her have been going so well without any complaint. I made my proposal with a little surprise in a simple pizza bar before our closest friends, not too romantic I would say… but “memorable”. The surprise was successful and I’m very sure that she deserved for the diamond and the white lilies. Her name is Yuti Resani.

The family

I would say, nice… even though I haven’t met the full “team”. Her Mom and Dad seem quite positive about the plan, haven’t commented anything about my self or us. The family gathering is soon to be arranged.

My Dad, finally this month ended his working years in Korea and he is coming back for good. Good news for the family, but may be a bit breakdown for him, but I know he can easily handle it. He experienced worst in the past.

Even though the holiday is around the corner, but I still have no plan about it, or what to do. Perhaps there’s something interesting may happen in this “surprising year”… hmmm true… 2009 has been a “surprising year”. I never fond of surprise before until this year… yet I never expect surprises in the coming years, just try to not planning too much for my life, it will be alright.

So the plan for 2010 is the BIG DAY, and having a new life… not to mention any details for them, just let them happen. For sure.

Keep the faith

28 when perfection does not need to be perfect

October passes abnormally fast these days... I worked like a dog... Focusing my self on the combo fat projects and the bar exam was making me not bothered when no body remembered my birthday... Amazingly, there was an unexpectedly expected surprise party for me. It was breathtaking, she successfully brought all of my closest friends into the party on my early years settling back in the city. It is a "big leap" in a relationship I guess. A couple from my highschool circle who had their first date on my birthday party 10 years ago were also appeared. They made me realize that I am now in a new phase of my journey... the phase when I'm with her now.

Having been with her for these past months is very simple... yet satisfies all of the questions I'd been asking for in those rolling and tumbling years. Being with her simply reminds me that I'm just an ordinary guy... who eventually made my life into a save zone, so I don't really require something fancy or shinny in my life.

Although I never expect something big to happen, but... it seems like the more I ignore, the more it is likely to happen... well that's what I call magic! The parallel synchronized randomness has not yet ended, even now it's making its way looping almost vertical popping in and out... but gladly it's still synchronized.

This year is quite different... every hardships in life were easily solved. I must see those as a sign... a sign that I have to start something good for the future. Am I dare enough to walk towards it in a good faith with my chin up?

Cheerio...

One language

It's really sad to see many bad things happen in this world because people are speaking in their own language. I begin to wonder what is the general language which may convey one's message to another.

Destination 101010

Finally, this is the first time since the past few years we gathered together to celebrate this Ied Mubaroq. Good God... we're here in all good shapes...

My brother has just recovered from his long postponement and now he's been living normally... God bless him that he is now back on track for his life. I keep encourage him to continue what he's been doing all the time, we put a huge hope on him and we believe he is really good and talented in his field. A brilliant brain as a programmer which has a strong connection with the virtual world!

My Dad... been staying so long in Korea, told me about his dream for his retirement. Well as commercial pilot who is really tired for traveling across continents all of his life... he deserves a good rest for himself. He said that, few years from know he wants to build a ranch just outside town and doing farming stuff, driving an old Land Rover to control all the livestock. It's his choice... he said he wants to quit flying at least 5 years from now and he doesn't want to encumber his retirement to his sons.

My Mom from time-to-time is getting more busy with her notarial jobs... even she now works on Sunday. What a SuperMom, eventhough sometime she could be quite annoying... I will just ignore that part.

The Youngest one, he is now just starting his adventure in his highschool era... which is for me... was the best time of my life. Yesterday he just reached 16 and her cute girfriend came to our place to bring Tiramisu cake... Teen Romance... I won't jeopardize the fun they have and my Mom seems happy about them.

It's good to be together for a while... I love them... but I suppose life goes on and grows. I am now loaded with brains and just starting a new life on my own... well it's a good start that I'm now having stuffs of my own... a good car and a shelter, just like my Dad has done in his early years. I don't earn much... but enough for my self... I don't really want a real fancy life for my self... it's too boring, a bit flaws would be good. The good thing is that, seems like the Anteros has showed His plan to complete me.

Well apparently My Life Designer has a good plan for me... 101010 might be the next destination then... to have a complete set of life. Come what may...

Wrap it up!

It's been a while since the last time I took notes about my life and I would say that life has been treating me nice. This is the big picture.

The fact that I'm now in Jakarta is damn fine, rather than stranded in someone else's land and having insecure feeling about the future. Here, I try to build the future. I wanna build "home". It will be a place after a long shot journey which I still don't know where to go.

Getting a new degree might be a good plan, but schools... arguably, boring. Working overseas..., considerable... but I'm only passionate on energy, so damn picky! I need to travel... actually aloadz! Been wondering these days, why I never dare enough to go to flying school just like what my Dad has offerred me couple of times to be a commercial pilot like him? When I was 23, just right after I finished my law degree and got passionate about law and stuff, he asked me whether I want to be a pilot... For a while... I thought... it would be cool, I would be a man in a uniform, with rayban glasses covering my eyes, flying across continents, seas, lands... girls... parties... whoa... there would be too much happiness in my life, but then again... I thought... it's damn too late... I already choosed to pursue carreer in law, being a man with a brief case working on paperworks until late, driving a hot shot car, having a big dream house (which probably I will never live in... well not that different as my Dad) might be my destination (which won't happen in near future...). I guess man has to do things whatever he has chosen, because men are what they do right?

Notwithstanding to all the doubts I had, the latest progress of my work life is, I wrote an international law publication by International Bar Association which actually a very big leap for me. My name is written down as the co-author of the most respected project finance lawyer in Jakarta's White Shoes' Firms. Let's call it a wrapp!!! Lucky me...

The next step is the "unimportantly important" Bar Exam in next month, gotta prepare it right. Most of my friends have passed, I'm in the last train... daaaammnnnn so left out. Gotta face it somehow!

The Anteros Payback
The Anteros also has been so nice with me, not to forget the hard crash He gave months ago, but now I get the payback. Within months I have recovered my life back, even much better. She's good in every sides of view. We get along so well... both socially and personally, we have so many similar interests, taste, characters and even way of life. Well, may be it's too soon to say now, but I would say that she's too good to be true. If things are going stable for quite sometime, I might proceed for the long term bound.

Just for now I have to restate for my commitment. What I want to do... who I wanna be with... I'm now 27 going through 28. I've made up my mind and going through the straight line.

Wrapp it up, ciao.

The reason why I don't want to be in relationship with another lawyer is... to avoid bullshit conversation in bed.

Just do the right thing

It’s good to hear that everything is right on track even though I never thought these things would ever happen. Last Saturday I went to my friends’ barbecue party and (predictably) met her, later we had a casual conversation over kitchen dishes just like in our old flat back then.

She has just got a good offer to work with the UNESCO and I know it’s just what she always wanted. I smiled for a few seconds when I realized that things are right on track, we got everything we always wanted but things might not go well as we planned but I don’t feel bad about that. It’s just us who cannot stick each other anymore while things are different now, no matter how we tolerate the situation. She’s got her brainful destination, I’ve got mine and I want her to be happy with her life, her dreams and her occupation. We have agreed that we go separate way no matter what we had vowed. She’s a sister to me now.

From my side, I met this girl weeks ago in a club where all of my friends within my circle from Junior High, Senior High, and College gathered a reunion. It’s so random that everything went very well with her and I think that… why in the world I just met her now? I do remember her as my junior in high school and we never met since then for 10 years because she went straight overseas after high school and when she came back… it’s my turn went overseas. Well, long story short, it’s such a coincidence that I met her that night and found out that we’re matched and in line for each other… it’s a PSR event (two people who have the same thought pattern will find each other…). Well even though couple of things should be worked out but that’s part of process.

Well from there, it is true that good things may happen when we think life is full of shit and I will just be positive for the future. Even though things are not coming like we planned but everything is right on track when we do the right thing. Hocus Focus...

Keep the faith!

Destruction of my character... is it?

I presume that losing all the arts in my little black brick is a destruction of my character. I can't walk on the mainstream pavement, I always want myself back as an artsy random person you might find on a certain downtown corner. It shows my good taste of life and I need them all plugged into my brain through my ears like the way I've been living it for those fat years.

Notwithstanding all of that, I realize that it is amazing to find out how much a person can accumulate in 3 years. To me, things were changing from day to day, week to week... with my little black brick as the parameter, yet overall if I could do it all over again and I won't be the exact person as I used to be. Things are developing nowadays, both positive and negative, will never be the same, but for now I'm losing my character and I have to restart.

So, that's my update. Negative I know, but I never want to forget how unhappy I am so that if I ever forget and think about coming back... I will only have to read this to encourage me to a better one.

electric in my eclectic taste

This is the FINAL scheme for the installation of kill switch and start button: but I don't run for the hills. I take my time... I won't rush, because...

"Two people who have the same thought pattern will find each other..." PSR

So let's see whether she's on the same thought pattern as mine.

"She's electric in a family full of eccentrics, she done things I never expected. And I want her to know, I've got my mind made up now, but I need more time."

*Eventually, the idea of being smart is to think simple*

A thousand stars came into my system. I never knew how much I had missed them. Slap on the map of my heart you landed. I was coy but you made me candid. And now the planets circle around you.

Time Record:

Client Matter Time Description

PT ******** Project Diamond 1.5 Reviewing Offtake Agreement

******* Pte. Ltd Project Neptune 3.5 Kick Off Meeting

PT******* Tbk. Bond Issuance 3.5 LDD Assets

PT******* Project Financing 3.0 Drafting Security Agreements

My Self Having Fun 0 All works and No Play
Total Hours 11.5 Works not done yet

I feel safe, I feel warm when you're here. Then I do no wrong, I am cured, when I'm by your side. I'm alright, alright. I am safe, when I am with you and I feel warm, if you want me to. I am cured, when I'm by your side. I'm alright.

Careful where you stand, My love
Careful where you lay your head
It's true we're always looking out for one another

I feel safe, when I am with you, I feel warm, when you want me too. I am cured when you are around. I'm alright.

Careful where you stand, My love.
Careful where you lay your head.
It's true we're always looking out for one another.
So I'd like a quiet time please.

Hidden Track in my iPod, I found it as a diamond

Martians Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can’t find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY STATISTICS

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Quoted from an anonymous blog

I want the worth I can wait

I want to take control of everything on anything possible for the life that I want. I want a perfect buddy at the end of a destination, a perfect soul to begin something good. I'll wait until the right time appears, and I'll give it all. So when I go back to the city where I could show my true color, I don't really feel lonely.

Those are not only the time for happiness, but also sadness, angry, confuse, and time will tell when a buddy is a perfect soul. It's worthwhile to wait for the good desire to come in a perfect moment, but just don't let it vain. For now I will let my self furnished, slowly, grow stronger and faithful.

Skinky boy

I'm in the best shape of all life, supreme and no time. I'm in the proud feeling of knowing everything, of understanding everything.

This is a human confidence. I love for my real nature. This is the destruction of my negative thoughts. I'm doing the transformation of imagination.

Into reality.

Not the way it ends

I believe this is not the way it ends. Remembering... Green fields all the way to St. Andrews Rainy days in our flat I was busy preparing for the dinner - you cleaned all the mess I left behind - our little kitchen talk afterward until late at night Looking out the window, out to the bridge, cold and snowing. I now believe you are not one of those high street girls. I understand now you are not that girl. But with you I already found my peace of mind.

Bad month of the year

Bad month of the year is May...

- 3 bad conversations... (1 twisted by my own words)
- 3 rejections...
- 2 awkward moments...
- I'm not sure how many gallons of beer I had for the whole week...
- Bought the pots twice (and it's still not enough)...
- Spent my bucks too much...

I hope those only happen in May...

I don't want another May in my lucky year...

Fermata

I just had excessive drinking days with all friends. It was awkwardly fun and yes, it made me so short really fast. But I won't stop.

I want to get out. Out of town. Out of the city. To the country side. To the hill. To the mountains. To the beach. To the sea. And yes, it will make me so short really fast. But I won't stop.

I want to shop. Cars. Clothings. Shoes. And yes, it will make me so short really fast. But I won't stop.

I don't want any form of clarification. It's too late. No more small talks, high expectation, strong commitment, dependancy, passion for lust, whatsoever.

I want to forget life in west-end.
Stop for a while. Fermata.

Fixing and Alteration

To me, things at stores are not precisely fit our self. If it's tailored then it may represent the genuine taste of our complex characteristics. That's why I love alterations. I don't easily accept things as it made. Nevertheless, I could also fix my self to the changes and tolerate with the changing people. Not to roll on a fast pace... but calmly flow the stream.

The action and reaction leave my self as a certain common person with conservative thinking made by my own rules.

Some people may not fancy that. But I don't judge.

I might change if I have to. No pressure, no diamonds.

Rollercoaster Ride

It's better that I believe that it's over... Waiting everyday for a line, for a sign from you.
It's a rollercoaster ride of emotion... paralyzing me...
It's better that we build on the dreams in our own world, than a bridge in between the two that could never hold our weight.

A sudden bad shot right on the chest

Had an unexpected conversation last night. It was a really bad shot right on the chest. (Some said) It's not my fault, and it's not her fault either. (Some said) We see this thing going on from different perspective. Yet she doesn't want to try to work it out, and if she thinks so, I might think it's not worthed. It's not whose loss... but it's just pity...

A week and an evening

She has to start all over again, because whatever his intention was, it successfully traps her in the circle again. Her brain, the utmost complex thing in universe, has started working in parallel synchronized randomness with the history and… may be his brain.

She expressly told him… why in the world he wants her? She’s so problematic, she has bad reputation, she has so many miseries, she has attitude problems. She also told him, if he just wants to get laid, he shouldn’t come to her… There are so many girls whom he can get laid with, but please, not her.

Guess what? He’s aware of that, and it just makes him wants her more and more.

A week and an evening could change the life he has been living in for years… no matter how far and how long he had gone… it may…. keep… all over and over again. The circle that he always avoids from, but it haunts him all the time.

He thought, it’s so fascinating to see her once… but once… may lead to something more demanding and flows in secrecy.

Once is never enough.